I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I think I’ll stand
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?