Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
This was the best day of my life
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.