Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.