I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
How can I say no to this ?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.