Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.