Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
this is so top tier i cant
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.