Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
couldn’t resist
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Friends that check up on you >
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.