My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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when u come home smelling like another dog
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.