Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.