William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.