I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!