Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”