My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
me doing my best
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.