I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.