Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions