My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I have no passwords left in me
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Time for evil
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.