What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
This is a sub tweet
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?