Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute