how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m awake but I object,
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
groan^2
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.