Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Care for your back
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying