this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My patronus is a cheeseburger
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.