i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”