Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests