Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
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when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
jesus, what did this guy do
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy