The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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HEYYYY MACARENA
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.