Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
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My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Need WebMD
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
🖤✌🏽
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.