You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet