My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
he chose this
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
That took me a moment.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID