Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???