Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
You Might Also Like
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
What my back needs
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession