Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I’m about to risk it all
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*