My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
✌🏽
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no