At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
How times have changed.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Awwwww shit.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.