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“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.