It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You Might Also Like
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
He’s cranky this morning
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered