I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
You Might Also Like
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
what the
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I hate my earbuds.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.