Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.