man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My first son he is wonderful
#NeverForget
That’s not how days work.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel