I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
This will never not be funny to me.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made