her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet