Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”