The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
You Might Also Like
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.