I drew y’all a little something.
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.