GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously