I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille