ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Feels
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.