him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
next question.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.