A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
*Inspirational Tweets*
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Seas the day!!!!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day