So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy