me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
🤣
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.